I’ve been focusing on positive self-talk, or at least being aware of negative self-talk, lately. Noting the times when I’m saying to myself “And then you did that thing that screwed it all up” and trying to reframe that feeling/expression somewhat. But there are some expressions that may SOUND like they’re negative, but that really aren’t. I was a weird kid. That’s not negative self-talk, that’s fact. Spacey and solitary, things went fine for me for the most part. I grew up, went to a college for weirdos, and wound up finding my path and things are good. I occasionally struggle, but I don’t feel out of step in my little town here.
I wrote a thing and was interviewed for a thing that both touch on this feeling. One is about Hampshire College and the financial mess that they’re in, maybe closing and maybe not. I both care and don’t care about this. But I was surprised to find that I had some left over grar feelings from back then, and they open the article. The other was a very short piece I wrote about how much Alison Bechdel’s book Fun Home affected me, how much I felt, to use the common parlance, seen. Here are the two pieces:
I’m mostly off my Wikipedia jag which is probably just fine for now. Expect to see it flare up again this time next year.
This is me starting to do my taxes (in my case, getting my paperwork to my guy) and preferring to do almost anything else. I think the last time I did one of these was at the end of 2016 and it was over at the other blog. Anyhow, this is a percentage-based look at where my work-money comes from. And it’s funny, since for someone who calls herself a librarian, that sliver is pretty small. But I can explain.
That slice, the 1.3%, represents the time Kimball Library pays me to work as a librarian. It doesn’t count drop-in time (27.8%) or writing about libraries (15.2%) or giving talks about libraries (17.6%) or a wide array of other consulting type work (the rest!) which can be anything from helping Wikipedia be better with librarians (I tried) to going to people’s homes and helping them with their network configurations. Also, and I don’t mean to be rude, but librarying doesn’t pay that well. Which is fine, and understandable! But giving a keynote talk at a library conference can easily pay anywhere from five to fifty times as much as an hour of librarying. Which doesn’t mean I’d choose it, it just means that slice is bigger.
I’m retooling my world of work until my sister and I get a little more traction our hopefully-short-lived real estate mogul life which does not suit me. In the meantime, I continue to do all my local stuff including working on the town’s Conservation Commission, being on three committees of the Vermont Humanities Council, and drop-in time isn’t going anywhere. And I keep doing my internet stuff including social media and online work for the Vermont Library Association, writing little articles for Wikipedia, and answering questions in Ask MetaFilter, my first online home.
Just for recordkeeping, here are the new Wikipedia articles I’ve written since last time I checked in. Not trying to be braggy, though I’m aware of the optics, just noting this for future-me as well as trying to highlight just how much it’s a possible thing people can do. And if you want some help, you know where to find me.
My other year end lists, over at the other blog are online now: reading list, library visit list. It’s the 13th day of the year and I’ve already racked up five library visits, but mostly because I’ve been filling in at the library. It’s been fun.
The big other winter hobby, which I somehow pick up every winter and then drop again when the weather improves, is picking away at Wikipedia’s representation problem, which I wrote about in March (shortly after I wrapped up a brief consulting gig with Wikipedia). Everyone’s got their own special set of skills and I’m always trying to use mine to do the things I like doing. This winter, the plan is to create Wikipedia pages, mostly for women and people of color. I’ve done a page a day so far and I’ve enjoyed it. I’ve also been able to upload a bunch of photos of people that are better than the ones that were there. Until this weekend the general plan was:
- go to the NYPL’s Digital Collections
- do a search for the word “portrait” and limit to images that are in the public domain
- scan the results (all 6000 of them) for people who look like they might not be well-represented in Wikipedia
- add them
- GOTO 1
Then I finished scanning NYPL, and discovered that the Digital Library of Georgia also allows you to search by what is in the public domain, so that is next. Previously I’d used Florida Memory. I’d love to be adding photos from Vermont but there is no statewide image resource, much less one that allows searching by rights. Which is too bad. To be fair, most states don’t have this sort of archive.
I felt like listing what I’ve done somewhere and, while I speak Wikipedia, not everyone does, so here’s what I’ve been up to in a bloggy format. These are pages I created.
I also added a bunch of photos and you can see those mainly over at Wikimedia Commons. Most of these people either didn’t have a photo of them on Wikipedia, or they didn’t have a good one. A lot of people grab images from public domain books to add to Wikipedia which is great but then time passes and better images are available. It’s good to be able to add better photos and improve someone’s legacy. Once a photo is up on Wikipedia, it makes it to Google within minutes, it’s actually a little eerie.
The photo that leads this post is the one I’m stuck on. The caption just reads C. A. McGill and the photo is from Monrovia, Liberia. I’m pretty certain that this woman is part of the McGill Family who emigrated to Liberia (I added the woman’s photo that is on that page). There are photos of a few of the McGills and other early Liberian colonists in the Library of Congress. But, documentation is scarce and I haven’t been able to prove that this woman is related to those McGills. I’ll noodle around some more with this next week which is when #1lib1ref starts up again, and maybe write a few more pages. It’s good to have a hobby.
This picture is actually my sister’s bed, which I did not sleep in, because I was bad at taking photos this year. This was the year I said “No more travel!” after the summertime and mostly meant it. I did only three airplane trips this year and actually forgot to take a photo of the most exotic place I stayed, a sort of dorm room situation in Hawai’i. I wish I could say I enjoyed all this travel but it was sort of a down year for me and I didn’t rise to it. I took good pictures and I generally had that “Sitting in the backyard wrapped in a blanket” feeling to a lot of it. Sort of safe and comfortable but also sort of pining for home.
Here are all the places. Four states. Two provinces. Stars indicate multiple visits to the exact same place. Past years: 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008 2007, 2006, 2005.
- Boxboro MA* – here a lot doing various cleaning things. I do love this room.
- Westport MA* – here most of the summer and many of the holidays
- Toronto ON – wanted to stay at a friends but he was very sick and this trip was both enjoyable and a total bummer
- Montréal QC – my friends’ new house, super fun
- Brooklyn NY – the funniest looking bed with the best hosts
- Manoa HI – ups and downs here, I wish this excellent place was not right next to a bus stop
- Canandaigua NY – -this was a good trip but I should have stayed in a little motel
- Stow MA* – Kate got the guestroom up and running again! Always great to stay here
- Washington DC – a funny little hotel right by the train
I did most of the things (books, tires, momhouse cleaning) from the last post. I am no longer mostly irritable and/or frightened, but managing this stupid mental health issue is still an open trouble ticket. Thanks to all who offered various kinds of support, I always appreciate it. We’re now halfway through the holiday season (after Jimsmas and Thanksgiving and most of Hanukkah, before Solstice and Christmas and whatever New Years is going to turn into) and it’s good. I went away and I came back and took some pictures while I was out (which is where this license plate photo is from). There is snow on the ground. There is a flock of pine siskins on my feeder. I finally cleaned out the grotty place around the kitchen trash can which was a coffee ground pointillist painting for months because I could not be arsed to get on my knees and handle it. I cleared the “to get to” stuff off of my standing desk, rewired the space underneath it, and put up a new light. Now I can use it after the few hours of daylight are gone and I’m up for another day’s worth of time.
One of the people I checked in with about my mental health, when I would tell him about my days, said repeatedly “You do a lot.” It was said in a way that seemed sort of suspicious, like it was a symptom of something, like I was maybe doing too much. All I know is that I’ve always been this way, it’s nearly always worked, and I’m not sure of any other way to be, nor do I have any desire to explore other ways to be unless something is wrong. Maybe I talk about “doing things” a lot, listing out every errand, everything I clean up in my house. Maybe I have performative tendencies “Oh I am so busy!” but I know people who are like that, and I don’t feel I am like them. I am reading a great book by David Sedaris, his latest, where he talks about talking to his husband’s mother. She is a very reserved woman who doesn’t believe in talking about one’s good deeds publicly because it’s like you want credit for them. I’ve always come from a family where you talk about all the things–the good things you did, the stupid ways you fucked up, the errors you made, the way you tried to fix them–and talking about some of the good things is, I’ve always felt, a way to encourage others to do good things too. The internet can make things weird, and people worrying too much about “virtue signalling” may be part of that.
Last night I worked at a party at the Chandler Music Hall. This involved mostly stocking restrooms, sitting around, directing people upstairs, answering the occasional question. But while I was there, I ran into a woman who is the mom of a woman I knew was looking into being on the Conservation Commission. We’ve been looking for a new member for a while and I put in a good word for the committee “The meetings are well-run. You get a chance to give back to the town. I think she’d be a great fit.” I know I may be being overly optimistic, but I truly feel like nearly everyone I know in town is involved in some sort of civic endeavor. Some of the people who aren’t might just need a nudge. Talking that sort of thing up can be that nudge. Civics can be catching.
Yesterday I slept through my alarm and nearly missed my court date. Today that same alarm woke me right the hell up but it’s a Saturday and I didn’t have to be awake but hey there is stuff I can do.
The last month was sort of a blur. I went in for a routine “Hey can you refill my anxiety meds prescription?” appointment and my slightly-new-to-me doc said “No.” (for a number of reasons, none of which had much to do with me) In addition to making my anxiety sort of spikey, this just set off more appointments and more “wait and see” nonsense and it’s been a month of alternating between irritable and frightened, so I haven’t been super chatty. Things are mostly stable for now. Though I still lack a long term plan, I am set up for the near future. I don’t talk much about my mental health here because it’s boring to me and it’s always been one of those “I have some issues, they’re being effectively treated.” things. But it might explain why I was MIA in a lot of October.
I did do a few things however. I testified in the trial of the guy who defrauded the town by doing a Kickstarter to raise money for a drive-in movie projector and then skipped town with it. I was the star witness. Exciting. I did a different thing for Halloween (walking around with friends instead of handing out candy) and it was a nice little shake-up to a routine. I’ve been helping a friend campaign for a state office which is where this photo is from, the hills of Granville. Drop-in Time continues and I tweet a little thread about it every week. Tuesday I work the polls all day. Today I get in a car and go see Jim in his new apartment in Belmont and visit with him and his friend Karla. Before that I help my sister clear some stuff out of my mom’s house.
The days are shorter. I’m spending more time in bed with the covers over me with my nose in a book. I’m on track to read 100 books this year which was my “stretch goal” (booklist is here) and maybe do 100 library visits. I have to put my snow tires on. We all get a free hour tomorrow. My friend has a tag she uses on Instagram that has always resonated with me #thingsthatmeasuretheday and that’s where my head is at lately. These are the things. They measure the day. And that is enough for now.
All it takes is a few people to say “Oh you’re turning 50, I’ll send you 50 postcards” to turn a normal mail day into a postal snowstorm. Which is to say, I greatly enjoyed getting all this mail. I think yesterday may have been the first day I had a mailbox without a postcard in it. It was a great celebration and an all around good time. Thanks to everyone who wrote.
For some reason I’ve been busy. I say this every time like it’s a surprise, but this time it really sort of is. I decided “No airplanes” for the rest of 2018 so I could chill and not get into a talk-agita phase. So I assumed I’d have tons of free time. No! Lots of meetings, most of them fun. Helping plan the future course of the VT Library Association, the Randolph Conservation commission, and giving privacy talks in VT and NH.
It is nice to know I’ll be around for all of October and won’t be writing one of those plaintive “Why am I leaving Vermont in October?” posts. That said, Grace Paley had some stuff to say about this. I heard this poem at my first official Vermont Humanities Council board meeting which was more fun and more interesting than I thought it would be. I hope we can do great things.
Side note: I think some of my optimism and good cheer can come from the fact that I had SHINGLES (Welcome to 50 Jessamyn! Why thank you, it sucks) which was, briefly, an incredible amount of pain that I am no longer in. So every day I wake up painless, I am thrilled. My over-50 friends, get your vaccinations!
Here are some Fall Equinox Greetings from my good friend Matthew. I hope the season is treating you well.